on a more personal note

Graduating:  It's something that I have looked forward to more the past two years. If you asked me two years ago, I would have told you that I had no desire to "walk" in the ceremony.  I was going to do my work, get great grades (because I was an adult now and there was no reason to *not* get great grades), and learn what I needed to become a counselor. 

However, in the past six months I can't believe I ever felt that way. I have been so excited about graduation and the opportunity to "walk" with my friends.

Friends from Grad school: that's another thing that has changed in the past two years.  I've written about this before, so I won't get into much detail.  But man, am I glad things didn't turn out that way.

Even the people that aren't my "friends" are very much still my friends.  Of course, it is inevitable; we have discussed such intimate details of our lives and feelings, how could we *not* end up caring about each other.

I think there's where the bittersweet part lies.  I know that I will stay in contact with my "friends" but what about all my other classmates.  I won't be seeing them twice a week anymore.  I won't even be seeing them one a week.  Will I see them ever?

I may end going through MHC withdraw.

  

Wait, what?

So today was the day; I graduated.  

glitter makes it official, right?

Most, but not all, of my cohort

It's a done deal now

Me & my parents

Sums up exactly how I feel!

Now, maybe I can be better at writing real posts and not half-assed ones from my phone. 

Eeek

I'm about to walk into my last
grad school exam. Wow

Letter from the future?

For my one of my classes we have to pretend it's 2023 and write a letter to a friend that we have been out of touch with since 2013 and catch them up on our life.  

By no means a hard assignment but it kinda is. 

What do I want to have done in the next tens years? 

quick "woe is me" then moving forward

So my first internship is done.  Phew!  I didn't have very many clients but I sat in on other therapists' sessions and learned a lot.  Placing me for my second internship has been a really rough road.  

First of all, I work.  Somewhat full time.  So that limits when I can go into my internship.  I'm taking two classes this semester; that means I need to be on campus twice a week.  This also limits my internship hours. Because of all this, no matter how flexible I am in regards to where I go, it needs to fit into my schedule.  And no matter how many times my professor asks me if my work schedule can be any more flexible, I have to work and the next "flexible" step I take is to not work at all.  And quite frankly, that's not an option.  

I really wanted to go to a outpatient clinic called Linden Oaks Sexual Abuse Treatment Services (LOSATS).  I really, really wanted to go there.  And they were willing to take me for 10 of my 20 hours a week.  Jackpot!!!  So my professor and I found a residential treatment facility (where, I might add, I use to work) that was willing to have me for the remaining 10 hours.  Score!  

Then the residential place backed out for reasons unknown.  So we were working on finding someplace else to augment my first choice.  But I still had my first choice, so life was great.  

I still had my first choice.  Notice the past tense on that verb.  Had.  Not has, but had.

 Due to staffing issues they can no longer honor their commitment.  When I read that email, I felt like I had been punched in the gut.  That was the site I really wanted.  That's the population that I want to work with and I wanted some experience with them.  I wanted to learn how to help.  I wanted it so bad.  

Now that it's so close to next semester I have very few choices.  My professor gave me some options but three of the four included at least a 45 min drive.  One way!  That does not fit into my already packed life.  It just is not possible for me to have to commute roughly 1 and 1/2 hours for a job I'm not being paid to do.  The last option is super close to my house.  It is working with people (hopefully mainly teens) who have dual-diagnosis of mental illness (MI) and chemical dependency (CD).  Mind you, I have little to no experience with CD, but at least I would be working with teens.  

Ok, pseudo-Jackpot.

Then I find out that my potential supervisor is not the strongest supervisor and that previous students have had a mix of experiences with said person.  

So not only am I working at a site that wasn't even a choice of mine and makes me slightly uneasy due to my inexperience but I'll probably be working for someone who may not be helpful or encouraging.

Big whopping sarcastic awesome!

On a happier note, I dyed my hair black.  I'm surprised how much I love it.  All Christmas day,  #1 Brother kept referring to me as "Evil Jess."

   

Donde estoy?

Wow it's almost been a month since I've graced you with my presence.  So sorry for that.  I have, however, been keeping up with your posts even if I'm not commenting.  

I have been busy. Like, super busy.  So busy that I rarely turn on my computer. 

Here is my schedule, roughly:  

Mondays, Tuesdays, and Thursdays I work 8-12:30 and then go straight to the clinic 'til 7ish.  

Wednesdays I work 8-3:30ish and then have class 3:45 'til 8:30.  

Fridays I work 8-5.  Fridays feel like free days for me since I'm only at work.  

As busy as I am, I do really like my placement.  I like my supervisor and the other therapists.  They all are so willing to let  me sit in with them and are eager to teach.  The other two interns are from my program and I like both of them.  Which is good because we share an office.  

I'm only taking one class, psychopharm.  It's a hard topic but the class itself isn't.  There are no papers or major presentations. We have weekly homework assignments; which I like because it makes sure I am learning the stuff.  It's a lot of memorizing and understanding how the brain works.  So compared to last year when I was taking 4 classes a semester, this seems like cake.  

So here's just a quick reassurance that I'm alive and well and not just ignoring you.  

I is so smrt

I am officially in my second year of grad school!!  I only have three more classes and about a bazillion hours of clinical.  And when I say "a bazillion" I really mean 900, but is there really a difference?

On to psychopharm!  Which, because I am super nerdy, I'm actually excited about.  

Nobel Peace Prize

Right now, I'm taking Research Methods & Program Evaluation.  Super fun!  We've been working on a research proposal.  We've (by "we" I mean me and & of my friends) written a proposal paper and on Tuesday we have to present it as if it were a real research project and we are hoping to get funded. 

Because we are all so busy, the only time we could get together to write the first part of the paper was on a Friday evening.  Needless to say we decided that drinks and snacks would be helpful for getting the creativity flowing.  If you follow me on Instagram, you may have seen some pics. 

 It was during this that we came up with our team name.  For some reason, my professor wanted us to have team names.  Our first name was Team Glen Coco.  The only reason that was our name was that I wanted someone to yell out "You go,Glen Coco!"  That didn't happen.   As we were writing our paper we realized that we were going to win the Nobel Peace Prize for our fake research.  

We are proposing a correlational study to compare elementary schools with an enrichment programs for gifted and talented students with schools that do not offer a program.  Particularly, we are looking at the prevalence rate of ADHD.  It is our hypothesis that schools with a program will have a lower prevalence than those that do not.  This is the beginning stage of a long term research study.  We are going to solve the ADHD problem in America!  See totally worthy of an Nobel Peace Prize. It's because of this that we are now Team World Peace.  

We have since been signing off our emails with "TEAM WORLD PEACE!"  We're pretty awesome, if I do say so myself.  

Funny how things turn out

When I started school, I was determined that I wasn't there to make friends.  I'm not saying that I didn't want to make them or that I was determined *not* to make them; I just wasn't worried about it.  I was going to school to learn.  

If I made friends, great.  If not, that's ok too.  

Well, I just got home from a girls' night with some school friends.  And honestly, no one really gets my life like they do.  They are also trying to juggle school and clinical and work and friends and potential love interests.  One is also planning a wedding and one is closing on a house next week.  They get it.

I can't believe that I ever had the notion that their friendship didn't matter.  Because sometimes, it's the only thing that gets me through the day.

what vacation??

So next week is my "vacation."  Unfortunately, I still have class and my practicum.  I go into the clinic on Monday, Wednesday afternoons and I have class Tuesday, Thursday.  And I'm dog sitting of work, so even on the weekends when I'm not busy, I can't really go anywhere.  

Since my "vacation" is already ruined, I'm going to try to pick up some more hours at the clinic.  

This is going to be the best vacation ever!!!

UPDATE: back to being responsible

My second summer class started this week.  So did my practicum.  So now I need to start being responsible and budgeting my time.

Tonight is Friday, and I don't do school work on Fridays.  The big question is: can I maintain a level of mature, responsible adult tonight so I can get work done tomorrow??

Happy weekend.  Any big plans? Small ones?  Any plans of any size?

follow me

UPDATE:  As Erin so nicely demanded, here's a rundown of my responsible evening:

 About once a month the city I live in has, what is called, East End Fest.  They close down a street (what a coincidence, it's East Ave) and there are several stages with music and you can drink in the streets.  I was hoping to get out there closer to 8-8:30ish.  But alas, I didn't even leave my house 'til 9ish.  But it was tons of fun and when East End Fest closed down (around 11) we hung out for a few more drinks and then I made the super adult choice and took a cab home.  My friends all went out dancing and didn't get in until after 2.  So I made the right choice.  Yay me!  Although, I was so sweaty and gross that I jumped in the shower and I didn't actually get into bed until closer to 1.

Are you kidding me??!!

"Whatever else may be said about the postmodernist turn in contemporary studies of society and culture, its critique of assumptions about objectivity of science and its presumed authoritative voice has raised issues that all qualitative researchers need to address"

Well guess who's not gonna be reading *that* thirty page article.

big girl

Sometimes it's so hard to be me.  I'm just kidding, in case you didn't read that first sentence with a hint of sarcasm.  

I'm starting I've started my practicum.  So for two days a week for the rest of the summer, I'll be at a youth and adolescent outpatient clinic.  I have never, in all my life, had a job where I had to look nice.  Ever.  In all my thirty-one years.  

It's kinda exciting and annoying.  

I'm excited that I actually get to look like an adult.  There are a whole bunch of clothes that I never really wear because they have always been slightly too nice to wear to any of my previous jobs.  However, they are also not what I would wear when I go out.  So why did I even buy them??  Apparently I bought them to wear to now.  I even went shopping this weekend for "adult work clothes."  

It's annoying because on the days when I feel fat and gross (and who doesn't have days like that??), I'm not going to be able to throw on elastic waist pants and a baggy shirt.  Now I have to actually look nice, even if I feel like a big turd.  

Right now, picking out my clothes is going to be exciting.  But I give myself three weeks before it gets old.  

For all of you who get to have to dress like an adult, how long til you got over it?

When too much research is too much

For my class this summer. I have to do a poster presentation.  Basically it's kinda like a science fair for mental health populations.  We get to stand in front of/next to our "poster" and answer any questions people may have.  We also get to invite anyone we would like.  And the programs "community partners" (whatever the heck that is) are invited.  Our topics need to somehow relate to human develop.  Mine is the effects of incest on adolescent development.  Pretty light stuff, eh?

I have learned two things that make me believe I have done enough research on the topic:

1.  I used the phrase "directly correlates" in a casual sentence.  In fact it was an insult.  

2.  While reading my articles, I realized I had read all the original articles that newer articles/research were citing. Not only did I read them, but I recognized there were being cited.

Smart or dorky?  Hmmm, it's a tough call.  

phew!

Last night went really really really well.  We all did a good job facilitating and the group members were awesome in their "roles."  

The feedback was constructive and no one was mean.  

Phew!!

There's no way to be prepared

Tomorrow I have a group project due; we have to facilitate a group counseling session.  We got to pick our topic and we basically made roles for our classmates to "perform" during the group. We can't however script the whole thing. So there is no way to really prepare for this.  

Our group is a support/psychoeducational group for parents of children with behavioral issues.  Wow that's a mouth full.  So tomorrow is our turn and I'm more nervous then I thought I would be.  I think the worst part about it is that after we're done, the whole class goes around and critiques us.  The.  Whole.  Class.  And let me say, that there are some people in the class that are not that good at giving constructive criticism.  Constructive being the key word.  

We're as prepared as possible, but we can't be prepared for what the group will say and how they will react to us.  And I realize that is how counseling work, but yikes!

I'm gonna puke...

Perhaps, probably not though. 

As part of my program, the professors fill out an assessment about us.  The Personal Qualities Assessment, henceforth known as the PQA.  The PQA has 15 (I think) categories on a 5 point Likert scale (1= not at all, 5=a lot).  All the categories are skills/traits that a good counselor should have: empathy, organizational skills, sense of humor, confidence and a whole bunch of others.  Each professor fills on out for us and they average the scores.  They also get to comment if they feel it's necessary.  If any category is either 3 or less OR less than 3 (I forget which one it is), you need to come up with a remediation plan to show improvement.  If there are 3 or more categories with 3 or less you could be asked to leave the program.  They have been done for a week and I have been anxiously awaiting an email from my advisor to set up a meeting time to discuss my PQA.  I honestly don't think I will be asked to leave and I'm sure I'll be fine but it's soooooo nerve wracking.  

I think that's the worst part; even though I have a GPA of 3.9 and I have continued to excellent grades this semester, I can still be deemed unqualified or unfit to be a counselor and they won't place me for my internship.  EEK!  It may seem completely unfair but the program, by law, is required to "gate keep" the field and make sure that we are ready and will do no harm.  So it sucks but I get it.  

So my meeting is Thursday.  My advisor is awesome and is ending class early on Thursday to meet with us.  

I guess a bonus in all this is that I have a presentation on Thursday for a different class so I am focusing on that and not my PQA meeting.  So if you have any questions on Disaster Mental Health, I'm the girl to ask.    

reflection

Do you remember when I first went back to school and I mentioned that I was going to try to be more open and honest here, so I could get use to doing it in school?  Have you noticed that I haven't really done much of that?  

One of my classes this semester is on group theories and group counseling.  As part of this class I have to get to be part of an actual group.  They like to call it "Group Activity."  There are eight of us and the facilitator (who is not one of our professors).  Basically, think of it as group therapy sessions.  I want to talk about tonight's session but first I want to dig a little. 

Throughout this program I have noticed how little I expression emotionally.  I mean I have feelings but I am not one to verbally express them.  I'm usually all up in my head.  I over think things.  My feelings are my personal property and you are not allowed to know what's going on.  In this group, my goal is to start to verbalize my feelings.  Counseling is kinda, sorta all about feelings and emotions.  

And I've spent the past several weeks (in my head) trying to sort out why I don't like to share.  The only thing I have come up with is that it's easier not.  I hate when I say something that can be perceived as negative and the person jumps up to reassure me I'm wrong.  I talked about this in another post, but I hate that.  Just let me think what I want.  I don't always want a cheerleader.  I don't want to be told I'm wrong.  I want to be allowed to feel what I feel and I want to know you are hearing me.  This is a big part of counseling too. When it's all said and done it's just easier to not share my feelings.  I think part of it is that it's easier that way to not get hurt.  

Another thing I need to work on is to stop thinking that my feelings are some how not as significant as yours.  If something upsets me, then it's not insignificant or shallow.  Last semester we had to practice counseling sessions with a classmate and that's what she told me several times.  And she's absolutely right.  But it's hard to express my feelings about things that, in the grand scheme of things, seem unimportant.  For example,  I am perpetually single. I've dated guys.  I've gone on first dates.  I've gone on blind dates (only once).  I've done online dating (that's not for me).  But nothing ever really lasts.  Don't know why. I try to have a positive view on it.  And most times I do.  But sometimes I don't.  And I feel bad saying something about because I know that some people don't have enough food to eat or a safe place to sleep. Somewhere out there someone is being abused; and I'm complaining that I'm always single??  See what I mean; it's easy to make it seem insignificant.  And also the first thing that someone usually says when I mention being single? I shouldn't worry, that I'll meet the right person someday, that when the time is right I'll meet someone.  I know all this and I don't need you to tell me.  

All of that nonsense just to let you, Awesome Reader, that I do not want you to try to make me feel better.  I want you to just listen read and maybe, if you want, commiserate with me.  And I totally mean this, and not in the I'm-a-girl-so-I'm-saying-one-thing-and-I-want-you-to-do-another way.  I really mean it.  

So back to tonight's group (wow that was a long and unexpected digression):  What if I'm not a good counselor?  What if I can't do this?  What if I don't like doing this?   What if I get in the field and realize I suck? Why do I feel like I'm not learning anything?  What if I'm too cognitive and not affective enough (FYI in psych affect means emotion)?  What if I'm wasting two years of my life and tens of thousands of dollars to get  certified in something that I just don't do well?  What if I like psychology but not counseling?  Did I pick the right program? 

These are all things that I brought up tonight in my group.  And it was nice to hear that one of my classmates feels the exact same way.  It's nice to know I'm no alone. 

To end this on a happy-ish note, I cannot get enough of this cover!

Phew!

Well, you'll be happy to hear that I do not suck at life.  I met with my professor and yes, everyone got an email and everyone was suppose to meet with him.  My paper was not bad at all, I just need to fine tune my APA style and write at a more professional, publishable level.  He did tell me that he thought I was a good writer and that I have the potential to become a great one.  So double phew!

What amazed me was 1) he showed me some other papers (not the names, just the work) and 2) wow, some people do, indeed, suck at life.  One person used Wikipedia as a reference.  And don't get me wrong, I love me some Wikipedia, but not for papers.  I believe this person also had what looked like footnotes in the paper.  But they weren't their footnotes; it looked like it was cut and pasted.  They also had about a 2-3 inch margin on each side.  Someone else didn't cite a damn thing but just had a bunch of references in back.

And now I feel a little less stressed about this semester.  I was worried that if my writing wasn't up to snuff then I would have that much more to struggle with.  So there are some things that I need to work on.  But I'm glad that I met with him so he could explain it to me in person; he gave me some good pointers.

today's wrap up

A few things before I get into rant mode.  First off, most of my problems first world problems; I am aware of this.  My friend, Jamie, refers to them as Jessica Problems and my mother calls then Jessica Dilemmas.  So I do want to apologize to anyone who is having real problems.  And also, this is going to be long and very ranty.  I'm going to jump around a lot (because that's how I roll, yo!) and there will be mistakes aplenty.  

My classes started yesterday.  Last semester I kicked some serious grad school ass.  It honestly wasn't hard, it was just a lot of work.  So I went into this semester thinking it would be the same.  Oh boy, was I wrong.  The first class I had last night (Treatment Planning and Intervention) is not going to be easy.  It isn't even going to be kinda difficult. It's going to be freakin' hard!  Within the first 15 minutes of class the professor had divided us up into groups and gave us a handout that explained our assignment.  My group was going to be meeting with a adolescent client and we needed to have a structured assessment.  We needed to come up with questions and a diagnosis and a treatment plan.  We had 20 minutes before we met with them.  When we walked into the room, there was a young teenage girl who looked nervous.  As we began it was clear that she was having some trouble in her life.  So we interviewed her and then went back to class.  My professor then came into class with the girl and an older women (the other groups' client).  They then told us how it felt to be in a session with us and then went around the room and told us what they thought of us one by freakin' one.  It turns out that the girl was my professor's daughter and the women was her mother.  But holy crap!  So that took about 2 of our three hours.  Then the professor went through the syllabus at rapid fire.  And there is tons of work to do for this class. 

Then she proceeds to tell us this little ditty.  Last semester we had a paper to write for one of our classes (not hers).  We had to pick a psychological theory and write a 10 page position paper on it. Yuck, it was awful. Apparently, as a group, we suck at writing.  I guess there was a lot of  problems with citing and the format.  Most people have probably used MLA style writing, but we need to do APA (which is insane).  She told us that he brought the papers to her (she's the head of the department) and to the dean (!!!!).  I guess my professor told him to hand them back and make the people who wrote unacceptable ones re-write them.  To which he said he couldn't/wouldn't re-read them all.  Side note: well maybe he shouldn't have assigned a 10 page paper due a week before he needed to get the grades in.  I guess there were like 12 papers that were complete garbage.  My program only has 30-ish students in it.  Because of all this, they are going to have a faculty meeting to come up with a universal way of dealing with mistakes. Something along the lines of once you've reached five mistakes on a page it's gets handed back. So that sucked but I got an A in the class so I wasn't all that worried about it.  She told him to email people he wanted to see and set up meetings with them.  Well don't I get home and have a freakin' email from him!  WTH!!  I texted one of my friends and she got one too.  I honestly don't have a word to describe how I felt.  One of my friends used the word defeated, that was pretty close.  I even re-read my paper.  And I will be the first to admit, it was by far not my best work.  However, it was not bad.  *And* none of my professors had issues with any of the other papers I wrote last semester (hence the need for a program standard).  I talked to two other classmates and they got emails too.  So we are thinking that maybe everyone got an email and not just those that suck at life.  I'm meeting with him at 5:30 Monday.  But, if I do apparently suck at life, that's fine; I already got my A.  

So last night I had this awful tight feeling in my chest and stomach.  I don't know how else to describe it.  And this morning it did not lessen.  Then I get to work and realized that Dad-Boss was "working from home" today.  Seriously Dad-Boss???!!!  I don't like to complain about work too much because I have a pretty cushy job. But when the parents are home the kids don't listen to me.  Ever. Or as Master of Disaster would say, Evah!!  I especially annoyed by this because I wanted to be lazy and sit on my computer and not do anything with the kids.  Can't exactly do that when Dad-Boss is home.  Then at nap time he goes and wakes the boys up.  But he did it so they could go play in the snow (it's the first serious snow fall of the winter).  But I should add that both boys have been sick all week.  Whiny didn't go to school Tues, Wed or Thurs.  But let's take them out to play in the cold snow.  Whatever.  

Then I finally go home and all I wanna do is put on sweat pants and finishing re-watching Game of Thrones.  Just as I get to my driveway/parking lot someone in front of me pulls into the driveway and stops half in and half out.  A normal person,a person who doesn't live at my house, would drive around them, but I am waiting to pull in the driveway.  Then I realize, oh crap, they're stuck in the snow.  And since there is no parking on the street in front of my place, I have to drive around the block 4 times until the get their dumb car in.  

So all in all (is that the right phrase or is it "all and all"?), my life does not suck that bad, I just was in a crappy mood all day.  But I did make some super yummy cookies to bring to my cousin's daughter's birthday party this weekend.  And I just, literally, finished re-watching Game of Thrones.  If you haven't watched it, I highly recommend it.  The books are awesome too.  

Hope y'all have a great weekend!