Do you remember when I first went back to school and I mentioned that I was going to try to be more open and honest here, so I could get use to doing it in school? Have you noticed that I haven't really done much of that?
One of my classes this semester is on group theories and group counseling. As part of this class I
have to get to be part of an actual group. They like to call it "Group Activity." There are eight of us and the facilitator (who is not one of our professors). Basically, think of it as group therapy sessions. I want to talk about tonight's session but first I want to dig a little.
Throughout this program I have noticed how little I expression emotionally. I mean I have feelings but I am not one to verbally express them. I'm usually all up in my head. I over think things. My feelings are my personal property and you are not allowed to know what's going on. In this group, my goal is to start to verbalize my feelings. Counseling is kinda, sorta all about feelings and emotions.
And I've spent the past several weeks (in my head) trying to sort out why I don't like to share. The only thing I have come up with is that it's easier not. I hate when I say something that can be perceived as negative and the person jumps up to reassure me I'm wrong. I talked about this in another post, but I hate that. Just let me think what I want. I don't always want a cheerleader. I don't want to be told I'm wrong. I want to be allowed to feel what I feel and I want to know you are hearing me. This is a big part of counseling too. When it's all said and done it's just easier to not share my feelings. I think part of it is that it's easier that way to not get hurt.
Another thing I need to work on is to stop thinking that my feelings are some how not as significant as yours. If something upsets me, then it's not insignificant or shallow. Last semester we had to practice counseling sessions with a classmate and that's what she told me several times. And she's absolutely right. But it's hard to express my feelings about things that, in the grand scheme of things, seem unimportant. For example, I am perpetually single. I've dated guys. I've gone on first dates. I've gone on blind dates (only once). I've done online dating (that's not for me). But nothing ever really lasts. Don't know why. I try to have a positive view on it. And most times I do. But sometimes I don't. And I feel bad saying something about because I know that some people don't have enough food to eat or a safe place to sleep. Somewhere out there someone is being abused; and I'm complaining that I'm always single?? See what I mean; it's easy to make it seem insignificant. And also the first thing that someone usually says when I mention being single? I shouldn't worry, that I'll meet the right person someday, that when the time is right I'll meet someone. I know all this and I don't need you to tell me.
All of that nonsense just to let you, Awesome Reader, that I do not want you to try to make me feel better. I want you to just
listen read and maybe, if you want, commiserate with me. And I totally mean this, and not in the I'm-a-girl-so-I'm-saying-one-thing-and-I-want-you-to-do-another way. I really mean it.
So back to tonight's group (wow that was a long and unexpected digression): What if I'm not a good counselor? What if I can't do this? What if I don't like doing this? What if I get in the field and realize I suck? Why do I feel like I'm not learning anything? What if I'm too cognitive and not affective enough (FYI in psych affect means emotion)? What if I'm wasting two years of my life and tens of thousands of dollars to get certified in something that I just don't do well? What if I like psychology but not counseling? Did I pick the right program?
These are all things that I brought up tonight in my group. And it was nice to hear that one of my classmates feels the exact same way. It's nice to know I'm no alone.
To end this on a happy-ish note, I cannot get enough of this cover!